Pilot

[EDIT]
Driving to the store today I realized this was not a well done pilot.  I did not effectively introduce myself or my situation.  I am Jamie, 27 years old.  I am a mom to 3 boys.  Jaryn (9), Jaiden (6), and Jaisek (5).  I have a boyfriend Joe (yes I know my stuff all says a better wife, but it really just flows better than girlfriend.  Plus at some point I hope to be his wife, and this journey will get me where I want to be before that happens!) and he has a daughter who is with us part time, Maia (3).  We came together a little over 2 years ago.  We met at work, and our relationship developed quickly.

Over the years we have had a lot happen in our lives as individuals and together.  Just 3 months into our relationship my brothers were killed in a car accident.  That put a HUGE stressor on our relationship as I greived and he tried his hardest to be supportive of me while I constantly pushed him away.  We still have flashbacks of that sometimes but not like it used to be.  This past July his mother died.  This has put a stress on our relationship while he grieves, and I am not always as supportive as I should be.  I believe this is mostly because I am so shut down to loss at this point.  Though it effects me in a way, it doesn't have the vast impact it once did, before Chad and Dusty died. 

Within our relationship our biggest issues are typically small.  He didn't pick up his socks off the floor, I'm sick of being the only one that folds laundry the right way!  We don't deal with major issues like adultry or addictions.  However our 'insiginificant' problems are sometimes just as damaging as the big ones.  Overall I believe we have a pretty good relationship, or course it could improve.  One thing we really need to get on the same page about is dicipline.  This is a big stressor on our relationship.  He says it is because I am always the rescuer.

I believe that documenting my feelings, and seeing patterns in behavior can help me to change those that I hope to change.  The biggest thing I would like to change within myself is the negativity I harbor.  I plan to keep this journal extremely raw.  Sugar coating things doesn't help them change...you can only change that which you are willing to acknowledge.  Plus I think that oftentimes the sugar coating in posts doesn't help others.  I want people to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings, because I know I am not the only one that goes through the things I do. 
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I watched Fireproof today and it, among other things, has encouraged me to begin a jouney that I have been wanting to endure for a while.  I as a woman need to be a more rounded person, have more control over my emotions, and be able to love fully.  I need to see the beauty within myself and others.  In order to do this I must endure a process that is both spiritual and physical.  I need to believe in love, in faith, and in people.  I want to be able to encourage others to grasp this concept and do the same within themself.  Fireproof made the 'love dare' famous.  I am persuing a life dare.  To see myself as beautiful, to see beauty in the world and all the people around me.  I vow to myself that I will be happy with who I am when this is over, and that people around me will notice a positive change in me as well.